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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

PERPETUAL RECOVERY

How do you ever heal in this life
if you never let the wounds stay closed?
How does your resolve fade away
if you never had a spine in the first place?
When lies and heartache are your currency
it doesn't matter what your intent is or was.
I have whittled away every visage of your countenance
only to be tortured by inescapable thoughts of madness.
You were a weapon of choice I could not stand against.
All my powers of deduction rendered ineffectual.
An army of spirit warriors by my side could not save me.
Shattered confidence on the shores of self-discovery.
Alone in a sea of desperate narcissists and mental invalids
I just want to breathe the soft air of kindness again.
Feel the lasting embrace of someone dear.
Someone to rebuild the wreckage with and reclaim the chi.
I want to smile on the outside and be more than a mannequin.
Shallow footsteps echo the coldness of a reality I snap back to.
My face is ever the convenient liar, apologizing for
the many fallacies I perpetuate just to stay alive.
Is this the meaning of life or a life worth wasting?
Do I hit bottom with a grin or rise once more?
To ask the question is as damaging as anything I must endure.
I'll never know as long as the screaming in my ears
drowns out all reason, passion and peace.

It wouldn't be so bad if I could just scratch my nose...

Monday, August 15, 2011

Stop Request



I barely ever sleep,
but often I dream of my funeral.
The day I am laid to rest.
Goodbyes said in silence.
Empty prayers to an empty sky.
Curses under swallowed breaths.
A bronze urn to hold the remnants of my person.
Who will weep for me and who will piss on me?
True loves, true friends and the truly fake.
All gathered together sharing a begrudged moment.
Regrets, lies, blinding truths and the inescapable finality.
Knowing that time is up and things don't get resolved nicely.
The dark danse macabre of the moment beguiles the sufferer.
The pretentious and the false will offer the aggrieved
to “be there for them if they are needed”.
Even though few were there for me when I needed them in life.
Meanwhile a few selfless pilgrims will do what must be done.
Some will sob, others will make inappropriate jokes.
Others still will reminisce over me in uneasy low tones.
Few will come to understand the measure of this man.
Frenemies I never showed a glimpse of solace to
will tell stories of how close they were to me.
Knowing I hated with same nerve endings I also loved with.
Those that loathed me will push platitudes past gritted teeth.
Dearest friends will weep, some will know I am in their hearts.
Know that I tried my best, but often came up short in hindsight.
It rains on us all sometimes. The just and unjust alike.
I don't want a party in my honor nor a somber affair.
Because I've always had an uneasy alliance with life.
A span of time in between to poles marking a journey.
All that's left when a soul burns away for good.
This now concludes our regular broadcast life...